I Want a Husband

Once upon a time, married women were always unhappy. They always had to do housework and take care of their children and spouse - who often was the biggest baby of all - and were expected to do so happily. Today, though, things are different. We, as a society, have accomplished full equality between the sexes.
So now, I want a husband. 
I want a husband to take care of me. By "me", of course, I mean my every desire too. I want a husband who knows what I want at the moment without me having to speak. I want a husband who will get me everything I want when I want it, and surprise me with gifts every so often, too. And if every one of my friends' husbands are buying them gifts, I want a husband who will buy me the same thing, but better. If all my friends are going to Africa to play with elephants for Valentine's, my husband better bring me some pink elephants right to my house. Bonus points if my husband brings a couple blue zebras with him too. 
I want a husband who is a good cook, and is especially talented in preparing my two favorite dishes: caviar and lobster. I want a husband who will pray to Jesus before eating if I do; if I don't, my husband must not mention it.  I want a husband who will not bother me with unnecessary things during the meal. My husband must especially not ask me any rhetorical questions, which I despise - why spend time thinking about something which I do not need to answer to? I could be using my time to do something productive, such as thinking about what my friend Marie told me about her husband. She said that she makes sure that her husband's life revolves around her. Maybe I should start doing that too.

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